Would-be burglars picked a fight with the wrong pizzeria capo last week: the owner of Sopranos Pizzeria & Catering in Lockport, Illinois.
Emmanuel Serna posted about the attempted break-in at his restaurant on Facebook, with a little tongue-in-cheek mobster wit and a promise to the restaurant’s followers: “Help us ID these crumb bums, and you’ll be eating on the house for a year.”
The bungled burglary, which took place early in the morning of April 15, was recorded by a security camera, and police are investigating. But Serna hedged his bet by posting the camera footage on Facebook and sharing it with a local TV news reporter.
The footage shows what appears to be a young male in a hoodie. First, he tries to hurl a brick through the window—three times. No luck. So he tries kicking the door in—again, three times. Now visibly frustrated, he appears to confer with accomplices in a silver or gray four-door sedan. Finally, he gives the brick a few more tries, still ineffectually, before jumping into the car, which speeds away.
Woke up this morning, got yourself a…brick?
Adding to the drama: Another driver, identified by the pizzeria as “Rocky,” followed the wannabe burglars’ car for a while in his own vehicle, with a dash cam recording the chase. Sadly, Rocky didn’t get close enough to catch the license plate.
Now read Serna’s Facebook post in Paulie Walnuts’ voice:
Yeah…they showed up around 3:28 a.m. in a silver car, hoodies up, thinkin’ they were in Goodfellas or somethin’. Newsflash, boys—this ain’t Hollywood. This is Lockport, and you just messed with the wrong slice of town.
They strutted up like tough guys, threw some punches at the glass, then took off like scared little meatballs when the alarm went off. Real intimidating.
The post goes on to describe Rocky as “a local legend…with a dash cam and a conscience” who “followed these mozzarella-brained bandits down the block. Give this man a cannoli and a handshake.”
The video has gotten more than 304,000 views on Facebook along with roughly 1,000 reactions and comments. One commenter noted that the burglar’s brick-throwing efforts “indicate Daddy was definitely not around to show him how to toss a baseball.”
Serna wasn’t sure what kind of loot the burglars expected to find if the break-in had succeeded. “What are they gonna get?” he told ABC7 News. “Our pizza peels? Maybe our secret recipe?” Serna pointed a finger to his forehead. “They can’t get it. It’s all up here.”
Ineptitude aside, the attempted break-in reportedly caused several thousand dollars’ worth of damage—a serious blow to any small business owner in today’s economy.
In the ABC7 interview, Serna repeated his promise of a reward for the burglars’ capture. “If someone finds them or gives us leads…getting them caught, we’re gonna give ‘em free pizza for a year.” Or as Serna said in the Facebook post, “That’s 52 Fridays of extra cheese, no questions asked.”
The post concluded with a word of advice to the perps: “Next time you wanna act tough, maybe try not doing it in front of Camera 01. Capisce?”
