Great pizza is like great art: You may not be an expert on the subject, but you know what you like—and we all like something different.

The widespread popularity of "best of" lists notwithstanding, singling out the “best pizza” in a particular state or region of the country is patently absurd. Naming this or that pizza the best in New York or New Jersey could even get you roughed up.

But Uproxx has done it anyway. The general-interest website – whose writers apparently have the sweetest gigs in the world, right up there with refereeing Puppy Bowls – has dedicated the month of August to ranking the best pizzas in every American state, which, if you ask us, is like choosing the cutest babies. But, hey, we admit it: We’re sort of envious.

“Picking one pizza to call the ‘best’ in America is a fool’s errand,” Uproxx writer Zach Johnston admits in one article in the five-part series. “The medium of pizza is just too varied region by region, style by style and taste by taste. Pizza contains multitudes—allowing it to straddle the line between universal and wholly unique.”

Johnston then goes on to pick out the best pizzas in all 50 states anyway, presumably with input from other writers on the Uproxx staff—unless Johnston is some kind of pizza-gobbling god with an unlimited travel budget. Rather than judging him for it, we’ll just share his findings without further comment. Besides, ridiculous or not, you know you want to read it.

Best Pizza in the Western U.S.
Washington: Waterfront Pizza, Port Townsend
Oregon: Apizza Scholls, Portland
California: Pizzeria Mozza, Los Angeles (pictured above)
Idaho: Enoteca, Ketchum
Montana: Biga Pizza, Missoula
Wyoming: Pinky G’s, Jackson Hole
Alaska: Moose’s Tooth, Anchorage
Hawaii: Proof Public House, Honolulu

Best Pizza in the Midwest
North Dakota: Fireflour Pizza & Coffee, Bismarck
South Dakota: Charlie’s Pizza House, Yankton
Minnesota: Pizza Nea, Minneapolis
Michigan: Buddy’s Pizza, Detroit
Wisconsin: Fixture Pizza Pub, Milwaukee
Illinois: Pat’s Pizza, Chicago
Indiana: Mother Bear’s Pizza, Bloomington (pictured above)
Ohio: Harvest Pizzeria, German Village
Iowa: Great Plains Sauce and Dough Co., Ames
Nebraska: Dash Pizzeria, Kearney
Kansas: Papa Keno’s, Lawrence
Missouri: Shakespeare’s Pizza, Columbia

Best Pizza in the Northeastern U.S.
Washington, D.C.: 2 Amy’s
Maine: Otto Pizza, Portland (pictured above)
Massachusetts: Santarpio’s Pizza, Boston
Vermont: American Flatbread, Waitsfield
Connecticut: Sally’s Apizza, New Haven
New Jersey: Al Santillo’s Brick Oven Pizza, Elizabeth
Delaware: The Wood Fired Pizza Shop, Newark
Maryland: Matthew’s Pizza, Baltimore
Pennsylvania: Pizzeria Beddia, Philadelphia
New Hampshire: Pig Tale Restaurant, Nashua
Rhode Island: The Village Hearth Bakery, Jamestown
New York: Di Fara, Brooklyn

Best Pizza in the Southeastern U.S.
Virginia: Benny’s Pizza, statewide
West Virginia: The Pizza Place, Parkersburg
Tennessee: Aldo’s Pizza Pies, Memphis
North Carolina: Lilly’s Pizza, Raleigh and Durham
South Carolina: Andolini’s Pizza, Charleston
Arkansas: Deluca’s Pizzeria, Hot Springs (pictured above)
Georgia: S&J’s Woodfired Pizza, Atlanta
Louisiana: Fleur de Lis Pizza, Baton Rouge
Alabama: Pints & Pies, Montgomery
Mississippi: Stromboli’s Italian Eatery, Starkville
Florida: Spris Pizza, Miami
Kentucky: Impellizzeri’s Pizza, Louisville

Best Pizza in the Southwestern U.S.
Texas: Via 313, Austin
Oklahoma: Eagle One Pizza, Oklahoma City and Midwest City
Colorado: Cart-Driver, Denver
Utah: The Pie Pizzeria – Underground, Salt Lake City
New Mexico: Giovanni’s Pizzeria, Albuquerque
Arizona: Craft 64, Scottsdale (pictured above)
Nevada: Five50 Pizza Bar, Las Vegas